


Countdown to Clarity

by LittleKy



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Reverse Chronology, Sibling Rivalry, Turtle Tots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 14:32:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleKy/pseuds/LittleKy
Summary: It's taken him seventeen years, but Raphael finally understands. Oneshot.(2nd Place for "Best Raphael" and nominated for "Best Short Work" in the 2013 fanfic competition!)





	Countdown to Clarity

**Author's Note:**

> This story is made up of little pieces of Leo and Raph's relationship, and it ages backwards, beginning with their fight in the 2007 movie. The countdown idea was inspired by another story I read a long time ago that used the same technique. Enjoy!

 

* * *

  _Seventeen._

Raphael snarls in the other turtle's face, pinning him down like an enraged predator, his chest heaving with every breath. He is exerted from their battle. He's exhausted of trying to break free of living in the trap that is his pretentious, high-horse riding  _perfect_ brother's shadow.

A mixture of sweat and rain trails down his face and stings his eyes, but he doesn't blink. His glare demands that Leo accept defeat- accept that he's _no better_ than Raph _._  This victory is what he's always wanted. It's what he's craved. This is what will finally quiet the tormenting fires of Raphael's soul.

But Leo's returning stare is broken and sad, and it does not quell Raph's hatred- it only redirects it. Raphael is freed of nothing. The realization of what he's almost done, of what he did do, begins to crush him and he breaks; his armor trembles, his breath is noisy and his sai shake in his hands, and he looks to Leo for him to reassure him, or berate him, or scream at him,  _something_ , but Leo does nothing but stare at his animal-  _monster_ \- of a brother, with disappointed eyes.

Raph wouldn't have killed his brother- even if for a second he could have believed himself capable of it- he  _can't_  and  _would never_. He opens his mouth to say something where Leo cannot, but he doesn't have the words to express this, either.

As Raphael runs away, tears join in with the sweat and the rain, and their searing warmth is what makes him realize how cold he is.

He understands, now.

* * *

_Sixteen._

When Leo leaves his family for South America, Raph does not say goodbye.

He pretends not to hear the knock at his bedroom door the morning of his older brother's departure, and feigns sleep when Leo hesitantly, quietly, tells him farewell.

He is mostly silent the rest of the day, ignoring the prodding of Mike and the half-hearted commands of Don, who is already trying and failing to play substitute leader. It was never Don's role. It was never Raph's role, either. He isn't quiet because he's 'moping', as Mikey keeps insisting, but because his mind is whirling. Thinking.

One night, Raph goes and pulls on his newly acquired armor. He studies his bulky disguise long and hard in the mirror, unsure if he admires it or not. But if Leo is allowed to go solo and be productive then it's only fair if he does, too.

After all, Fearless isn't here to tell him 'no'. Not that he would listen if he did.

He'd decided against listening to his brother awhile back, now.

* * *

_Fifteen._

It's the bitterest part of winter, and their sensei has become too ill to leave his bed. Leo, left in charge to lead his brothers' training session, is getting after Mikey in particular for his slip ups.

"Michelangelo, come on! Enough messing around. Repeat the move," Leo commands, his face so impassive he could be made of stone. Raph watches as Mike finally bites back frustrated tears. Unexpected, indignant anger rises within him. Mikey  _has_ repeated the move, over and over and over again now. Mike is talented beyond any of them- he's a goof and a nutball, yes, but that's nothing new to any of them, and Leo is bearing down on him even more relentlessly than Splinter would be.

"Christ, Leo! Who do you think you are?" Raph bellows, and each of his brothers snap their heads to look at him in surprise. "The hell is your problem? You think you're so much better than us? Huh?"

There is a long, painful silence as the two eldest brothers watch one another. Don eyes Mike in concern, who is hurriedly wiping at his eyes. "Hey, Raph, it's okay. I wasn't doing it right-"

"You were doin' fine, Mike," Raph growls, not looking away from Leo, who straightens his back and hides his hurt.

"No," Leo says finally, firmly, shaking his head. "No, Raph, I don't think I'm better than you. Any of you. I just want what's best for you."

But Raph doesn't believe him.

Or at least, that's what he tells himself.

* * *

_Fourteen._

If Raphael is fire, then Leonardo is ice.

In moments where there is peace, Leo is only water, and Raph is only a spark. Leo is flowing, steady and tranquil, and Raph is more or less controlled, though ever warm and bright, and easily provoked.

But when aggravated, Leo's cool, commanding anger is harsh and unflinching when pit against Raph's hot, burning and wild rage, and they collide and clash until they fizzle out, leaving nothing but an angry steam in their wake.

As the years go by, Leo's waves collect and crash down with more and more ferocity. Raph's untamed fire spreads and grows as it finds more and more to feed off of.

And Splinter worries, more than ever before.

* * *

_Thirteen._

"S'none of your business," Raph shrugs uncaringly at his brother, who is standing in front of him with his arms crossed.

Leo lets out an exasperated sigh. He's tired; his shoulders are tense and there are bags under his eyes. He's been worrying. "You were supposed to be home  _hours_  ago, Raph. And I can see you're hurt. You're just lucky I'm not waking Master Splinter right now. So tell me-  _where have you been?"_

"Just took care of some thugs," Raph replies gruffly, attempting to push past his brother, wincing as he feels the sharp pain of a wound he'd forgotten about. His head is pounding and he's tired, too tired for this. "They deserved it. And last time I checked, you ain't my father."

But Leo takes him by the arm and goes to wake up Don, who immediately gets to work on tending to his wounds, sleepily tsking at Raph all the while. Leo leans against the doorway, and Raph refuses to meet his eyes.

For as he sits there he realizes, as he's patched up and fretted over by one brother and lectured by another, that the punks he saw on the streets tonight probably have no one at home worrying or waiting for them at 2AM, with bags under their eyes and a lecture ready. No one to fix them up when they come home busted and bleeding, or even dying. So he shuts his mouth, just this once, and knows he should be grateful.

Realizing this, he truly doesn't understand why his resentment towards his older brother continues to fester so deeply within him, gnawing irritatingly at his insides.

* * *

_Twelve._

He sees less and less of Leo lately.

Oh, sure, he sees him every day- they live together after all, and they're  _all_  they get to see. But Leo has even more extra lessons and sessions with Splinter; as he does, he is adopting his role as 'leader' more than ever before, and as Raph hates to be told what to do, this further deepens the rift between them.

Raph misses his brother.

* * *

_Eleven._

"It's my fault, Sensei," Leo pipes up, and Raph positively gawks.

It's unclear if Master Splinter believes Leo or not, as his gaze travels from Leo, to Raph, back to Leo, but he finally nods gravely and instructs Leo to meet him in the dojo, leaving the room with an agitated twitch of his tail.

Raph turns on his brother incredulously. "What? What gives? You  _never_  take the blame for me! You always say, 'We must take responsibility for our own actions, Raph'!" he exclaims, waving his arms wildly as he does his best 'Splinter Junior' impression. Leo only sighs and, for a strange moment, looks very old.

"I'm the one who let you try it. It was bad judgment on my part, so I'll take the heat. Plus, you've been punished, what, five times this week?" he grumbles as he passes a wary Raph. "You're obviously not learning your lesson."

Raph thinks long and hard about it as his brother leaves the room, but he still doesn't understand what makes Leo feel so responsible for Raph's own actions.

* * *

_Ten._

It's of very little surprise when their father chooses a particular son to lead.

It's no surprise to Donnie, Mike, Raph or Leo himself, who even though has already taken this role upon himself years ago, bows his head respectfully, accepting the title with honor.

He's always been their leader, unofficially. But still, Raph is left wondering, left not understanding, why Splinter doesn't believe that  _he_  has what it takes.

* * *

_Nine._

"Hey, Raph. What are you doin'?" Leo asks, leaning over to peer at the colorful book his brother is reading. Raph gives him a glance, noticing that he is dressed in his gear.

"Hey. Mikey's forcin' me to read the comic book he made," he grimaces, flipping through the pages quickly. "His drawings are good 'n all, but the kid made up a lousy superhero. This guy can fly, has laser vision, is strong as an ox, and can turn into a freakin' cat, but if he eats broccoli he  _dies_? What a dweeb."

Leo snickers, thumbing through the book himself. "Oh, yeah. There's a cure for that, though. Near the end, they give him a whiff of pizza and he comes back to life."

Raph scowls as he slaps the book shut. "That's it. I can't read anymore knowin' it just gets worse from here."

Leo laughs as he sits beside Raph on the hammock. "Can you help me with something?" he asks, suddenly solemn, and Raph blinks at him. Leo doesn't usually come to  _him_  for help. He goes to Donnie, if anyone.

"Ah, me? With what?"

"Well, if I perform well in training tomorrow, I'll move up a level," Leo says, almost shyly, "so I was wondering if I could practice a move I've been struggling on with you?"

There is a pause. "Huh. You can't uh, get one of the other guys to do it?" Raph asks awkwardly, a little disheartened that Leo is getting to be so far ahead of them. Of him.

"I could, but… You challenge me the most when it comes to going against pure strength, like this move requires," says Leo honestly, picking at his knee-pad. Raph is somewhat taken aback.

"Oh. Well, alright. Sure." He sounds nonchalant as he leaps down from the hammock, but inside, he's beaming at the compliment.

The next day, Leo performs the move in front of their sensei. He executes it perfectly, sending Raph a grateful smile. Raph grins back, but his smile can't help but fade as Splinter announces that Leo is, yet again, another step ahead of his brothers.

* * *

_Eight._

Mikey is a natural athlete, alarmingly flexible and quick; Don is extraordinary in his gifts, with an intelligence that by far bypasses any of theirs; Raph himself, in his increasingly brutal strength, is the most powerful. Leo is focused, steadfast and disciplined beyond his years, but Raph doesn't understand something; Leo is always ahead of them all. At least by one step.

He asks Splinter why this is. Asks him what makes Leo better, because there must be  _something_  that makes him better, but Splinter tells him firmly that they all have gifts, and are equally matched in their unique abilities.

Raph doesn't think so. He doesn't have Don's calculating mind, he just believes things when he sees them, and the evidence is clearly telling him otherwise.

* * *

_Seven._

He and Leo are the 'A-Team', as they jokingly brag to aggravate their younger brothers. In a way, it's the truth. They complement one another perfectly - Raph's raw strength paired with Leo's honed-to-perfection skills make them a force to be reckoned with.

"Heh, you know, I think we're pretty much unstoppable together," Raph states as the two slosh noisily through the tunnels away from their younger brothers, in a tag-team game of 'ninja-hide-and-seek'. He says this with a proud puff of his chest, admiring his small build of muscles as he flexes his arms. Leo hums, unable to disagree.

"It would be bad news if we were  _against_  each other, then," he muses as he kicks at the water, and Raph has to think about this before shrugging it off. "Yeah, but that wouldn't happen. Not for real, anyway." They share a comfortable, companionable silence, listening to the constant 'split, splat' of their feet.

"'Sides," Raph grins darkly after a few moments, "I'd win."

Leo glances at him doubtfully, but decides to play along. "Oh? And how do you know that,  _little_ brother?"

"'Cause. You might be good, but I'm better," replies Raph, with a cockiness to rival Mike's.

Leo rolls his eyes with a hint of a smile. "Uh huh."

"Sorry, bro. Truth hurts sometimes."

"But all I would have to do…" Leo lightly, playfully, flicks the side of Raph's head, "is make you mad enough, and you get all sloppy! Instant win for me."

Raph sputters as Leo runs off, and as he chases his brother down the rest of the tunnel, his grin is something between playful and irritated. "Yeah? We'll see about that!"

The splashes of their small feet are all that can be heard after that; the sound bounces off the endless walls, and the echoes fade behind them.

* * *

_Six._

Even though they're realistically the same age, there is an 'order' in their family.

Mikey is their baby. This has been a known and accepted fact since very early on. Mikey is bubbly and annoying and hyperactive, and though they have to get after him for nearly everything, they are all keen to keep a protective watch over him.

So when Mike bursts into his room, sobbing and babbling about all the details of his nightmare, Raph pulls him close and wraps his arms around him. Guards his brother from the monsters that watch them from the shadows. Pats his head until his crying subsides, and threatens that he'll kick him out if Mikey snots on him.

But sometimes, every great once in awhile, Raph has nightmares, too. They are rare, but when they do occur, they are vivid and terrifying. When he wakes up he doesn't cry, but his eyes are stark wide; he stares into the night for hours on end, unable to will away his own monsters, who are much grittier than Mikey's.

It's these times, and there are only a handful of them, when he goes to _his_  big brother to sleep against. He's utterly humiliated when he has to do so, but Leo never says a word- he simply lifts up his blanket and allows Raph to curl up against his chest.

Only then is Raph assured that even though the role of 'protector' often falls to him, there is someone keeping him safe, as well.

His monsters never dare to follow him into Leo's room.

* * *

_Five._

The four of them, much more so than when they were infants, have vast differences in appearance, and can very easily be told apart.

Donnie is the longest and thinnest of them all- his eyes are round, dark and inquisitive as they observe every little thing about the world around him. Mikey has a face all his own; his cheeks are freckled and his eyes are the brightest blue Raph has ever seen, and his smile is wide and infectious. Leo's height is somewhere between Don and Mike's, equal to Raph's, and his sharp eyes are a deep hue of blue. Leo, even as a child, has a look of maturity over his brothers.

They are out trailing close behind Splinter as he scavenges for food, and they come across a broken mirror. Raph doesn't get too close, but he finally, for the very first time, sees himself. Piercing green eyes blink back at him, and with some shock he notices, though his eyes are his own color, how closely they are shaped to Leo's.

He realizes, looking at Leo, that if he squints hard enough, he could almost be looking in a mirror.

Almost.

* * *

_Four._

Raph can't do anything as well as his brothers can. He throws terrible, wild tantrums and he can't read like Don, and he's never the first to do, or learn, anything _._ He's light-years behind Donnie, and Leo, and he may be equal to Mike in most things, but even Mikey can draw and write better than he can.

In his ever-building frustration, he curls up in a corner and places his head in his arms, watching his brothers succeed, wondering what it is that  _he'll_ be good at, when the time comes.

He hopes he won't be disappointed.

* * *

_Three_.

He can't help but think Leo is larger than life. He is the perfect big brother; he's patient and soothing, and so much like Splinter. He comforts his brothers if they cry, even though he's the age where he could be doing the same. He holds their hands tightly while they follow their father through vast tunnels, leading them across the right places to step.

And Raph never hesitates to follow along. Not once. If he has learned anything so far in his young life, it's that if Leo is doing it, it's probably right.

* * *

_Two._

The cold months are harsh and unforgiving, where they live, and their little family can do nothing but huddle for warmth.

Often times Raph goes hungry, as well. On these days his father looks extremely upset, and so Raph decides he won't say anything, no matter how much his stomach protests.

When his father finally does come across food, he splits it as evenly as he can between his four boys. Raph is about to eat his entire piece when he remembers something; Don and Mike are smaller than him, and their stomachs have been growling much more loudly. He tears up his portion and gives some to his younger brothers, who grab and munch on it eagerly.

He feels a bump to his shoulder and turns; another piece of food is being handed to him, in the middle of a small palm. He accepts it from Leo with a largely toothless, thankful smile.

He may be cold and hungry most of the time, but he is never, not even for a second, lonely.

* * *

_One._

Raph only knows a few things for sure about this strange, new world around him. One is that the creature who watches over him is very different from him; he is warm, and furry, his voice is a soft and comforting hum, and he takes care of Raphael always.

He knows there are three others like him. Raph knows, though he doesn't yet understand how much, that he loves each of them. There is one called 'Donatello' who is very quiet, 'Michelangelo' who cries a lot, and 'Leonardo', who walks before any of them can.

It's by watching him, and grasping onto his tiny hand while his own legs shake, that Raphael learns to walk, too.


End file.
